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In my case, acid proved to be a much stronger spiritual experience than what I was hoping for. I'm not going to type my entire trip, but it was the best/worst experience of my life..But Let me just say...my trip felt like I was the poster child for acid, like what parents tell their children will happen if they ever drop it. To me, acid was like a HUGE dose of life. Good trip at first but then it turned into a Bad trip, probably because of my guilty conscience and tony is just a bad combination in any situation I am in. But anyway. This is more so the end of the 8 hour trip it was SUPPOSE to be, but my trip lasted for like...well damn. JUST WELL OVER 8 FUCKING HOURS. It felt like two days...Anywho, Imagine me naked. And running down a flight of stairs. Screaming at the top of my lungs "You can't get me." and "He's gonna fucking kill me" at my dorm which is of course a co-ed one at 4 in the morning. Then as soon as I get outside. I jump over a bike rail. NAKED still. and run behind a bush in the cold ass weather. Then tony runs down, half naked to save me. Carrying me back inside. I keep snappin in and out of reality in my dorm room and then I forget I'm tripping and I punch a mirror and start having a more inner look at myself. Then it happens the life changing experience. Where I was trying to kill myself on acid. I won't say April or Tony saved me because if I really wanted to kill myself I was alone and I could have done it, but they helped. Instead, I think of God. I really and honestly do believe that the reason I did not commit suicide is because of my love for my family, friends, but most of all God. It's crazy how things happen. And the worst people become some of the nicest people. The coldest hearts turn into the warmest. I'm probably not there yet and I know I have much work to do. But that's life :)

And I'm going to enjoy it. I don't know who I'm going to enjoy it with anymore, Seeing as Tony and I are NO LONGER together. But I don't care. The one will come along. and if not, I have my brains, body and career to fall back on. and ESP. my faith.

I just lost sight of it for a minute, but I'm right back in it.

3:17 a.m. - 2009-12-09

April 21st-present.
I have had about 20 bruises, 4 bite marks, 3 or 4 busted lips, 2 head concussions. Not to mention being choked and thrown across my room and laundry room and being held a few inches off the ground by nothing but the neck of my shirt which he then proceeded to rip off.

Is it worth it? Love is.
Is he worth it? Probably not.

Needless to say, Tony and I have arguments. That neither of us can control our temper. I'll be honest, not all of the fights are because of him. And not all are started by him. And don't you think for one second that I let some boy man-handle me without consequences. Being drunk is no excuse, trivial fights neither. The one time I deserved it wasn't even served. Hah.

But on a more serious note, I am blindsided by the change that we have gone through. It seems like the more respect you lose for someone you love them less. You no longer feel like 'Wow, I'm so lucky to be with this person' because who's gonna call themselves lucky for having a significant other that puts their hands on you and lies and is a fucking lazy bum who is mooching off of you and your family. haha. okay okay, i'm not going to badmouth him anymore because I love him. Or at least I think I still do.

All I know is that I'm not hanging on because I NEED to, It's because I want to. But if all else fails and we don't end up together, I will be able to walk away and know that I am not dead.

I have never felt that confidence before. It's longer overdue.

I can't help but think about changes. It's so weird how people change their feelings, their actions for someone else. Paul is lost without me and I don't feel bad. I can tell in his eyes that he misses me and has had something take place (finally ending things with April) to realize that I could have been the one.

And now I'm unaffected by him. Our relationship has completely turned around. It's just mind-blowing I guess.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have a boyfriend that has a car, a job, and a stable home. I hate unstable things and changes in all honesty

1:21 p.m. - 2009-05-28