I am happy and unhappy.
It's nice to say that I can see so much happening within the next five years.
A couple of months ago, my vision wouldn't have been the same as what I am seeing for myself now.

School is great.
I wake up early everyday now.
And I'm always on time and always that annoying person in class answering everything, getting it right.

My restless energy, however, leaves me feeling empty when I have no one to show affection towards.
I need love in my world.
Unfortunately, I am without a doubt lonely.
But I know that I am never "alone"
I always have choices, options, people to surrround myself with, etc.

They just aren't you...
I'm hoping that maybe when I have things more under control, when I'm further along in my journey that you will come back into my life more.
Maybe for the time being, I am learning what "abscense makes the heart grow fonder" really means.
Because when I sit down and think, if I had him right now, like REALLY had him, would I really appreciate it forever?
I don't think I'm at that point yet.
close, but not quite.

then again, i sit down and think, maybe I just need to stop. Delete him out of my life. because that may be, in fact, the only way I will be okay.
It hurts.
It physically hurts.
I don't understand how he can leave me feeling so helpless, so confused. And not give an ounce of certainty or reflection or even let me know where i really stand in his life.

I'm beginning to think that he is earning the title of "the one that got away"