The depth of who I am is riveting and rushed.
I am both entangled in/and fearful of my light. And to be flat out I am enticed by my darkness and most importantly my inability to follow the gut instinct in myself that tells me something that is so blatantly wrong for me is just that.
I understand my tendencies and am thwarted at times in the revival of consciousness that I am choosing to ignore during these waves. Oppositions in this very consciousness keep me from doing just as I so genuinely want.
I am at war.
My guns are pointed and I see the target.
I fog my vision with self-inflicted smoke sabotage.
As if this is something I truly don't want.
I refuse to be content with a gentlemen by day and a drunk belligerent by night. Especially if there is no intellectual profit to be gathered.
I will never use someone for the sake of their generosity, only for the stimulation of my mind in it's most blashphamatic experience.
This is me. And although I am apprehensive I am embracing it.
3:54 a.m. - 2013-10-28
I am afraid to surrender the loose connection I have with Ryan.
My mind is startled and scared.
He is wild and gold.
& with everyone else...I am cold.
I run away from spontaneity.
But it is the very essence of his elusiveness that captivates me.
And it makes my heart dance around.
I am driven by the fierce of fire and the vitality of air.
I am fixed in my ways and waving in my beliefs.
But I understand that he is what has opened me to a life where I can experience my darkest fantasies. And I fear if I lose him that I will not understand the truth in the freedom that I have longed for.
There are parts of me that I hide very well, so deep that even I forget that these parts of me even reside in my indecisiveness. Perhaps it is that very indecisiveness of myself that hides my most genuine feelings for all that they may ever grow into. And that is inflation itself.
I am misled. and I mislead myself ever more. I am royal but have no palatial place in this world.
mod EDIT.
I am actually not afraid to lose Ryan because of any of this...
This is precisely the very reason that I want to be open again. That after so much time of me closing up, recluding, hiding...I am ready to try again. I haven't let myself be vulnerable with someone new in a while. And I feel like he is the perfect person to let in. So much to learn.
2:34 a.m. - 2013-10-25
this place will always be my sanctuary.
this is where i have been young and open
and this is where i have always let myself become unhinged and completely reachable.
my home is meredith and taylor.
the assurance of them reading this anytime soon or ever is not certain.
but the fact that it is here alone gives me assurance in my own safety.
i fear a judgement that i have no control over. that no matter what i say or how i explain myself what truly happened or...in my case happens..
with me is almost impossible to fathom.
the beast has a genuine heart.
the beauty is forever lost inside this deep dark place.
but it's still burning.
2:18 a.m. - 2013-10-23
Recent entries:
Such improvement in my writing - 2013-10-28
Maybe my feelings are right... - 2013-10-25
I am alone in the night - 2013-10-23
Serial Killer - 2013-10-11
It goes to show I hope that you know that you are what my dreams are made of - 2013-10-08
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