baby, i'm bettter than this.
drugs aren't me.
drinking all the time isn't me.
i learned plenty that i needed to know in world literature.
there's the story of a little girl who wandered off into the deep dark forest
and she saw a lady sitting on a rock who had her head in her hands whaling. the girl went to tap her on the shoulder and help her figure out her problems and once the lady turned to face the girl, the young girl fainted at the sight. what she saw was a faceless woman only making sounds but had no eyes, mouth or nose. in african folktale, she's called a mujina. a faceless woman means complete loss of identity, dishonorable.
then there is a story of the madman and nwibe. where this dark figure named nwibe was taunting the madman. the madman would go about his day and then nwibe would show up and play games and piss the madman off. the madman finally gave in and started chasing him. he became the laughter of the town once he started chasing nwibe and asking people if they had seen hinm. the reason is because the dark figure was his own mind playing tricks on him.
these are both stories i can relate to.
i lost myself somewhere along the way of trying to fill my heart with something that was right in front of me the entire time, love from my family. my mind was playing tricks on me, and i let it. and i was living life like a retard, on the edge of all disaster. i was ALMOST permanently brain damaged, the hospital said. alcohol/drugs are not for me. it's a false sense of security for a good time. i don't need drugs to have a good time. and i needed so badly to realize that. i'm glad that i can help myself. think of me as the alcoholic, as the pothead, as the pillhead. i didn't have to be addicted to just one thing. it was a variation, a constant mixture. it was like 'what drug or drink am i going to choose' every other day. and that is so fucking overrated. the alcoholic does not have to go out to parties to be an alcoholic. which is what i was failing to understand and feeling down on myself for.
We as humans aspire to know everything. logically and irrationally. but in all honesty we don't know anything but what is right in front of us. the makeup. the matter. the stuff we can touch. but there is much more to what we are than just the matter.
imagination is not wrong. fuck mark for telling me that i'm not suppose to go after my dreams and that i belong at home making fucking tacos. he's a great guy, but he tried to feed me bullshit about "nothing worth having in life comes easy." that may be true career wise, etc. but love should come easier than what i was getting sucked into. i should not speak ill of people but FUCK that. there is nothing wrong with being myself. an extrovert. an attention lover. someone who likes to make people laugh. a helping hand. someone who genuinely cares for all humanity so much i would rape the world with a big colorful penis of love :)
and so the fuck what if i'm shallow.
in order for a healthy, stable relationship there has GOT to be some sort of physical attraction. and i'm not willing to put that much effort into a relationship that i can't understand with ease. And until i can find that sort of relationship with someone, i am fine being single.
also, i am learning to choose my friends much more wisely. party your life away, living for the nights you won't remember. i'm sure on your death bed you will be happy with that.
1:10 p.m. - 2011-09-11
Recent entries:
Lose another day here, lose another year here... - 2013-04-19
and that's just how I feel - 2012-11-02
- - 2012-05-16
the truth is in the unknown. - 2012-05-08
FAQs - 2012-02-09
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