so i'm in the business center of the crowne plaza in san antonio and we just finished part 1 of the company dinner or w/e
it was so, redefining.
in who i am.
nervous and awkward around people
tugging at my dress to hide the cuts on my bone-thin thighs.
sneaking away to the restroom to purge, and reapply as necessary to look 'normal'
but somehow looking down on everyone
because she's fat.
he's fat.
her boobs are saggy.
hah, his face is still broken out and he's in his THIRTIES!
it made me realize.
that i am afraid
of people
of myself
and what i am constantly doing to myself.
but i don't think i even have the slightest remorse for that?
in the business center here, there are two other computers. and two black guys are on those computers.
neither have interest in me, but from the outside point of view. my parents see me.
in a room
alone.
with two older black guys
so they tell me to get out.
i don't even want to explain the rage that has filled my thoughts.
nic called, he's in college station and will be back on sunday, as i will.
i need to leave, i feel so suffocated by them and i still feel like i need paul.
just in someway.
i-i'm lost.
i feel fat right now, really really fat. i guess because some of that food from that party and from hard rock cafe are still inside me. and it's just attaching itself to the lining of my stomach expanding my body, making this dress too tight.
only i know, that this dress is a small
and my boobs are too big for it.
but i bought it like that on purpose to make me want to lose weight and i'm just lying to myself.
smeredith text me, but i hate my phone it's a piece.
i love her though, i really wish i did hang out with her more often but sometimes i feel like i need to be alone more often. i still don't know what i'm looking for in anyone.
yesterday, me and carrie went to sonic after work. it was a good thing because i havent hung out w/her one on one in like weeks/months.
i feel quiet.
like i'm not speaking out and i'm just ordinary.
and plain.
and boring.
silence is silly.
so make some fucking noise?
hah, what will i do tonight in san antonio
7:25 p.m. - 2008-12-06
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