today we had our panoramic (sp) senior picture and today i realized that when i was in the eighth grade i was always picturing myself as a senior and i am what i imagined, even though i took different steps to get here. i am what i said i would be.
i told myself before i went to college, wherever that may be, i was going to lose my weight. but i thought i would do it the regular hard-working way. and that i was gonna have fun and party a lot.
i just didn't think i'd end up losing friends because i made that decision so early. i don't think i care about that, but i'm just saying.
i hope someone out there understands what i say when sometimes i just want to leave. and walk away from my life. and never turn back. just move far and not talk to anyone from my past because i hate them all. and everything that i am today, is because i got myself there. i don't have anyone to blame or anyone to thank for the way i am. just me. and i want to throw my phone away and my pictures away and forget everything. and just get fucked up on a bunch of drugs. and maybe die?
or just be invisible for a day just to see what goes on when i'm not around. maybe things are better that way, i'm not sure.
i don't know why i'm depressed lately, just everything i was hoping to work out and really thought was going to, well-didn't. which is why i think i'm going back to old tactics-no explanation on that one-but i'm just tired of being let down by other people and i'd rather be doing the letting down myself.
i bled today, a lot. on purpose.
and honestly, right now i think nickole did too. just i feel it. because i'm thinking the way we use to. and purging and ice aren't working. so i had to. it wasn't for any particular reason, i just needed to relieve.
i feel like a kid again, rather disgusted with myself for doing it. but
what's done. is done.
i just feel like nothing matters.
like me typing right now does not matter.
what i do tomorrow doesn't matter.
is it better to be immoral and remembered or just be forgotten?
i'm not sure i even have a choice..
9:40 p.m. - 2008-12-02
Recent entries:
Lose another day here, lose another year here... - 2013-04-19
and that's just how I feel - 2012-11-02
- - 2012-05-16
the truth is in the unknown. - 2012-05-08
FAQs - 2012-02-09
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