i'm on my period. for the first time in a little over 4 months. It's quite depressing actually. Meredith was right, not having a period when you're pregnant is taken for GRANTED!
sometimes life doesn't even seem worth the things we endure, if that makes sense at all.
I just can't let go of some things? And won't
EVER.
I try, so hard to get over paul and when I was trying all I felt was stupidity and pitiful. Then when things got better, everything fell into place. he for a change was blowing up my phone, constantly spilling out the 'iloveyou' and 'imissyou' s. sooo I bought him call of duty 5 last week and for christmas an xbox 360elite but he doesn't know that yet. We're this close to being 'together' but we're not there yet, he comes home tomorrow. and I'm afraid, once again, things wont be the same. I guess I always fear that because I have that unignorable women instinct that you can just sense when things are wrong.
Or where they don't belong...Idk
We talked about the time he had sex with someone when I was pregnant, and why him and april aren't together and now things just kind of feel awkward? But he said it's because he's irritable when he's sober and he needs some weed. so he asked me to put some money in his bank account, which i havent because I put 150 for the game and weed last week. BUT i love him, so i'll find a way right?
Or maybe i'm just naive and don't realize he's using me for my money to nurse his new addiction. And I just enjoy the attention so I'll pretend whatever I have to in order to get by.
I've just been thinking about the baby alot lately, It kinda sucks when I can't sleep cause I'm up just crying about the whole thing. Honestly, I don't know how people do it. i just replay the whole week in my mind and everything is vividly memorized toa T. I just wish I still had that ultrasound copy...
Maybe I just need to let go of this whole fantasy of me moving to new mexico and living with paul next year and just go to colorado state or texas state. and move on? or something..
but I honestly, know, in my heart and soul I'd be worse off than I am now.
10:43 p.m. - 2008-11-25
Recent entries:
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FAQs - 2012-02-09
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