let's start from the beginning.
i'm 3 months pregnant and desperate to see paul, so i sneak out of my window that has a rose bush garden nailed to it but i manage to squeeze through. and then my keys are inside still. so i sneak back in and back out. then leave to andre's because me and paul are fighting because he's high and stupid. so i get high then go see him. then we start having sex and i start bleeding and i start crying my ass off because i think i miscarried and we rush to the er. and paul waits there with me the whole time inside the patient room and his roommate is in the waiting area in the lobby. and we find out everything with the baby is okay. i even got to hear it's heartbeat. then my car is dead. so i don't get home til 6 and i end up telling my parents i'm pregnant.
then they schedule me for an abortion and i don't want to, no way do i want to. so i act like i agree and when we get up there i tell them no! and then my parents freak out and say they're going to leave me in houston if i dont reschedule. and i have no phone, no numbers memorized. no anything so i make that appt.
and the next day we go..and i want to say no so bad now but i can't. it just won't come out WHY WON'T IT COME OUT! i dont want to do this..but i'm forced by my dad, my mom and paul.
and now i want nothing more than to be dead.
paul used it as his way out, his way to leave me alone. his restart with someone else. now that he doesnt have a baby on the way.
i seriously just want to die. i'd rather be dead than my 3 months old fetus. i wanted it so much, i don't know how i ever considered abortion. i won't ever forgive myself or them for this.
1:20 p.m. - 2008-10-17
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