so after about three tests in disbelief and a doctor's visit, i am pregnant. i wish this would have happened near the end of graduation because i'm due sometime in april (how ironic) and it'd look really bad which is why i'm going to have an abortion. as soon as i get the money i will. i don't even know if i should tell paul i know he wouldn't care anyway. or it wouldn't affect him like it has me.
just think all my hard work throwing up gone to waste.
now either way i go about this i'm getting an abortion because if i told my parents they'd force me because no way in hell is their daughter going to have a half black baby. and i'm be disowned BUT if i just didn't tell my parents and got it i wouldn't get disowned and the burden would be the same.
i'm suppose to start cross country next week haha. i'm the next alex argello! and tonight i have to go volunteer for edge and take them bowling...can pregnant people even bowl
it's weird. i feel my stomach and look at it and if i didn't know i'd think i was in the best shape of my life. my stomach looks so flat and fine. i don't want to imagine it any different..
maybe if paul was more supportive this would be easier. he's in new mexico and by the time the baby would be born i KNOW he wouldn't be here for me.
and he'd hate me if i didn't get the abortion.
maybe it's just better this way or maybe i'm just trying to convince myself i am.
but i mean i had goals too. for college stuff i can only do without a child.
i guess i'll just sleep on it.
1:59 p.m. - 2008-09-03
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